blog #23

today’s song of the day is inspired by the fact that it’s suicide awareness prevention month (i think)…. but anyways - this is arguably the darkest and hardest song i’ve ever written. i only have one recording of it from when my best friends dad let me use his studio and to this day i skip that song every time because it’s so hard for me to hear.

i wrote it over a year ago actually sitting in my best friends room crying after i found out about some not very fun things about my childhood (i don’t think she knows that i wrote this in her room lol). she’s probably going to read this and be like “where was i and how did i not notice” (it was a blended family event and i stayed behind because you didn’t know the vibes if you could bring someone.) but anyways. i’ll never forget writing it. clearly coco, you seemed to have remembered every detail….

i was so distraught and felt like i had lost all hope. i grew up in a community that had white picket fences everywhere and prior to having the confirmation about what actually happened to me during my childhood- i had prided myself on having an outwardly normal looking childhood because despite this fact i still didn’t have a normal upbringing, i knew how to tell what drug my dad took by just looking at his pupils by the time i hit 5th grade. so the pretty house, the white picket fences, the gate, the everything that i found comfort in making my childhood “look normal” i found was just a facade that kept a CPS phone call from occurring.

that being said, i am definetly still greatful for the childhood that i had. most kids who are being sexually abused as a kids don’t know that anything is wrong and my childhood self smiled through it all. shout out my baby sitters who kept me alive and kept me happy i am forever greatful to sandra and biggie i love you guys♥️.

blog 22

todays song of the day is inspired by my feelings of burn out but also my feelings of frustration because i recently learned that those who experience trauma (of any kind) in adult life don’t suffer from PTSD as much in comparison to those who experienced trauma in their childhood.

i guess this song is mostly about how it feels unfair to be a traumatized child and have no idea i was a traumatized child until my adult life.

it almost feels like my life started set up for failure.

that being said, i am proud of where i am and the way i live my life. i am happy to not be a victim to my trauma but rather find comfort in educating myself on how it effects me in my adult life, and how to prevent my triggers. i am mostly proud that my human experience has made me a better person not a worse one and has forced me to always keep pushing myself no matter how i feel or how tired i am.

blog #21

todays song of the day is a re-write of

ashnikkos panic attacks in paradise. i started writing this song a little over a year after i was assaulted, this song actually took me like 3 weeks to write because it was really hard for me.

i remember my friend charlie showing me this song and artist for the first time i was instantly drawn.

this song was definetly the catalyst towards falling in love with the idea of writing songs as a way to let go of feelings. i am honestly so greatful for that shift in perspective because writing songs has been my saving grace over these last two years as i have dealt with some complex emotions (to say the least).

i don’t really know what else to write in this blog because this song is honestly just really personal and hard to talk about but maybe when my voice sounds better i will record a cover and put it on the internet for you to hear.

special shout out to the people who didn’t kick me when i was down over these last 4 years ♥️♥️♥️ i appreciate you♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

blog #20

i have covid so i forgot to post yesterdays blog post so this is two in one. the song about friends was actually something i wrote in 2020 (times a construct) it was something i wrote when i felt like talking about something that made me upset wasn’t worth addressing because 1. im bad at talking about my feelings and 2. big picture i knew it didn’t matter. it just stung in the moment…. 3 years later re reading the song, i laugh. it’s funny how time really does heal things and am so greatful that everything is better in this new chapter. i am so greatful for all of my friends and i would never want anyone to think i didn’t feel that way! thank you to my friends who let me be me ♥️

the second song is actually inspired by none other than my own imagination. and also from the vault. wrote her over a year ago maybe two. i haven’t had a love life in so long so i like to write weird love songs. that being said, this most definetly doesn’t constitute as a love song. i just tried to channel my inner 20 year old girl pent up frustration if i got cheated on by some lame LA trust fund baby that everyone’s had sex with before.

blog #19

todays song of the day is inspired by something a little birdie told me. i don’t really care to dive deep here it was more so just a silly little way for me to make fun of a rumor that was started about me by some crazy weirdo who literally takes photos of d list rappers.

to anyone who believed this rumor or knows what i’m talking about im genuinely offended that you even thought he was type.

although i will admit to aimless flirting, i did so to get photos for my photography class because i didn’t want to do the homework. not the first girl to do it & most definetly not the last.

~ sorry not sorry, all the pretty bitches get it ~

blog #18

yesterdays song of the day is actually inspired by my toxic relationship with adderall (even though it sounds like a love song). isn’t it so weird that the most random things will inspire a song.

but yea, i was one of those kids who got prescribed literally legal meth and it fucked me up so badly. it made me think i couldn’t get anything done or be smart or productive without taking it.

happy to say i haven’t taken it in over a year and i am now 100% confident that it wasn’t the pill that made me smart, it wasn’t the pill that made my personality, and it most definitely wasn’t the pill that helped me in anyway shape or form. in fact it actually did quite the opposite.

kind of like a toxic ex. which is why this sounds like a song about a toxic ex. sorry to disappoint but the only toxic ex i have is my relationship with a little blue pill called adderall whom i still think of every now and then but never go back because i know it’s not worth the havoc it causes on my body. k thanks for reading ! don’t do drugs, and if a psychiatrist tells you to take something - do you’re own research first!!!!!!

blog #17

Todays song of the day is something i wrote over a year ago. at this time the dog i had as a child had recently passed away i was super emo and originally started writing about that.

In an effort to suppress my sad feelings i decided to stop writing about my dog and chose to fantasize about some stupid hopeless romantic love story about falling in love with someone you’ve never met yet because that’s way more fun to think about than grieving over the only thing that showed me unconditional love

(i.e. my dog)

thanks for reading.

blog #16

today’s song of the day is actually something i wrote over a year ago. i just found it in my notes and resonated with the feelings the words that i wrote evoked because that’s what i am currently feeling.

it’s funny (not actually) i remember writing this song after a joint therapy session with my mother. i drove to the beach after because i was filled with both so much disgust and resentment towards her as a human being. i was trying to explain to her that despite our differences her ability to check out mentally and do anything but help me when i’m struggling is what hurts the most.

during this session i accepted the fact that she had genuienly convinced herself that she was the real victim in my childhood and that she did nothing wrong (after psychological research this is actually very common and made me understand her more) that being said, it is a tough pill to swallow. the idea that the person who pushed you out of their vagina did absolutely nothing to protect you against evil people, places, and faces, only for her own financial gain.

so this song is about the feelings i went through when processing the things i mentioned above. i am still struggling with adjusting to this truth everyday. i don’t really know if i will ever not struggle with this, but i pray and wish upon all the stars every night, that there is a silver lining in my story. (said every struggling artist ever)

blog #15

todays song of the day is sponsored by my 4 year depression !!! i woke up feeling pretty hollow on the inside and that’s what this song is about.

i don’t know if waking up feeling “hollow” is the most relateable feeling however the best way i can equate it is through the following statement: have you ever been so sad or so overwhelmed with life that it doesn’t matter how much you ate but your still hungry ? it’s like you continue to feed the hollowness, but nothing changes.. well that’s how i feel but about life these days. like you try so hard just to continue to feel hollow and as if all your effort, trials and tribulations are worth nothing so you just feel already dead.

i’m not sure if this is relatable- this might just be specific to my human experience. however, i hope someone could relate

blog #14

todays song of the day is inspired by something surprisingly dark. so before i share (TRIGGER WARNING)… i actually wrote this a really long time ago. i wrote this when i was in my phase of trying to find my power and embrace my sexuality again after being assaulted.

growing up i was never taught to save myself for marriage, in fact quite the opposite. i was raised in a home where sex wasn’t “special” it was something that everyone did and it was just another normal part of life. my point in bringing that up is: it wasn’t until i was r*ped that i was able to understand how sex could be bad. now i know what you’re thinking that’s such a strange thing to think about. but after some research it actually is a quite normal thought pattern to go down after being sexually assaulted. i’m not really sure why, but until it happened to me i really struggled to understand how sex could be bad, and scary.

that being said, this song isn’t about sexing being bad or scary but quite the opposite. i wrote it as a way to remind myself of that. thanks for reading.

blog #13

todays song of the day was inspired by the idea of meeting the last person your going to be with. i’m not sure if that makes much sense— but it makes sense to me.

often times people put so much pressure on their “firsts” the first kiss, your first date, or your first prom etc… personally, (can’t speak for everyone) but my firsts were not memorable and i’m definetly more excited to meet mr. last one day

so yea this song is about meeting that person one day but also being scared of meeting that person because sometimes i feel like i’m too much to be with forever. but thanks for reading have a great day!

unpopular opinion: lasts are more special than firsts

blog #12

Todays song of the day is actually inspired by somebody else’s sounds!

i normally write songs by just hear melodies in my head and then try to match the sounds im hearing in my head with tangible words.

writing to existing music is always such an interesting process because i get to try to find what somebody else’s sounds are telling me.

these sounds were giving me taylor swift, so i wrote a love song similar to enchanted by taylor swift.

thanks for reading <3…..

blog #11

Today’s Song of the day is inspired by embracing my femininity.

Growing up I was raised in a home where my mom was my dad’s sugar baby.

in my adult life I have been super turned off by the idea of a member of the

male species ever paying for anything of mine.

That being said, Im trying to change that mentality because it is very black

and white. I encourage any female who feels this way to ask themselves

the following question: If you can give it to yourself why would you not

accept it from someone else?

although I am still struggling to find the balance and am hyper

independent in every single area of my life- when and if the right person

comes along one day and they want to pay for my things I don’t think I

would say no. as long as I can give it to myself. I feel like accepting gifts

from someone that you can buy for yourself is okay.

So yea thats what this song is about.

and to any family reading this or to my mother who might feel personally

victimized by my statements: You are what you eat sweetheart <3 giving

good head doesn’t count as a job.

XOXO.

COco

blog 10

todays song of the day is inspired by the word STIM.

stimming

/ˈstimiNG/

noun.

my definition : (this is not the textbook definition this is my own definition that coco made) a stim is basically any repetitive behavior that any individual partakes in to regulate and mitigate feelings of both over and under stimulation.

examples: watching soap videos, playing with slime, making it, smelling it, smelling candles, watching people write names on paper, reading facts, kicking, screaming, breaking things, spinning, flappy arms, and so many more wonderful things!

i love all stims

i don’t judge any one ever for any of theirs and i ask everyone to do the same with me too! no one is too old to stim and we all do it!

stimming doesn’t make you less smart.

stimming doesn’t make you less professional.

stimming is okay.

stimming is wonderful.

Now go stim i dare you!

(your not too adult to engage in any of the things i just listed i pinky promise you)

have a good day!

bye.

blog 09

todays song of the day is inspired by none other than my inexplicable loneliness.

in hopes of coping with this never ending season of celibacy i wrote a silly little sappy love song. now isn’t that, oh so very cute.

these lyrics are very surface level so there’s not much to dive deep into here, however next blog post will probably be more emotional as that song is about my mental differences.

anyways, have a lovely awesome super fun sexy saturday and shout out to my 4 subscribers can’t wait to put you on payroll one day just for being loyal.

XOXO.

blog 08

we all know a mr. whore… the one who’s fucked everyone in the friend group, the community dick, the one you hang out with for only 27 minutes and cry about later confused as to how you could have possibly developed feelings for none other than…the mr. whore. the type of guy where everyone else has nothing else but to say : “i told you so.”

this song is inspired by my overall taste in men. i am for some reason attracted to the mr.whore’s of the world. i can’t explain why- i think my daddy issues are showing here.(clearly)

that being said, don’t be this guy; because now that i’ve deleted the part of my brain that’s attracted to the “mr.whore’s”, i feel like i put my pants back on. i’m not sure if that saying makes any sense. it does to me. i’ll just leave that open for interpretation.

** thanks for reading *** ♥️♥️

blog 08

Todays song of the day is inspired by the male species entirely not a specific person.

Since being actively single / celibate for the last 5 years, I write love songs as a way to fill the void. However i don’t necessarily think this song falls into the category of “love”. but more so into the category of “breakup”.

Ultimately, this song is inspired by the idea that most members of the male species that i have encountered in my human experience thus far, seem to feel regret for a relationship ending way after the fact…. like 6 months or even years later. this song is written from the perspective of a female who wants to make her ex feel regret. lol that sounds so toxic.

pero- im latina i can feel whatever i want…

(no. that’s not how that works coco…)

okay bye. have a nice rest of your day and thanks for reading!!!

Blog 07

Todays song of the day I rewrote Justin Biebers song “Lonely”. I chose this song 1. for the obvious reason of : i think it’s safe to say coco might be feeling a little lonely? idk the shoe kinda fits here…

but my lyrics are inspired by losing, what my version of everything felt like to me.

I think in todays social media driven culture it’s really easy to look at somebody’s page and wish that you could have their life. everyone is curating a feed that perpetuates their own facade, myself included.

so whoever is reading this: i encourage you to consciously choose to stop judging books by their covers: EVERYONE IS HEALING FROM THINGS THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT.

Blog 06

Todays Song Of The Day is Inspired by my high school Ex Boyfriend - it’s just a silly little song not really that deep more so just something I think is funny.

He is the only boyfriend i’ve ever had and after being single for the last 5 years and spending time psychoanalyzing the only relationship i’ve ever been in (because obviously i’m an over thinker) I decided that i wasn’t in love with him and that I don’t know what love is and that being with him felt like performative activism. like I was playing the girlfriend role just because i wanted to try being someone’s girlfriend.

i hope his feelings don’t get hurt if he reads this. however, If they do I guess it’s karma because he cheated on me on his Europe trip and to this day I am so embarrassed that he even gets to say that i’m his EX because i don’t claim this energy.

that being said, the relationship wasn’t all bad he was nice i will give him that!! and it taught me so many things about what i don’t want in a relationship when i meet someone i actually like!

for starters: maybe someone who’s down to have sex with the lights on.

Blog 05

Todays song of the day is inspired by none other than my own depression. I’ve reached this point in my healing journey where I realize I have been consistently depressed since my assault in 2019.

But in theme of smiling through the pain, here’s a song about my inner dialogue. Something I struggle with a lot is this feeling of always being my own savior. Typing this right now, I realize that most people strive to save themselves- so how could this possibly make me more depressed?

Ultimately, in this psychoanalysis of my own thoughts, i have concluded the following: all humans crave connection and the feeling of being seen / heard. hypothetically: if an individual goes through a number of traumatic instances and handles them all by their lonesome, it’s not the feeling of saving themselves that contributes to depression but rather the lack of connection, feeling seen/heard.

To any one reading, i don’t need saving and neither do you! but it’s okay to not want to go through hard things alone.

Thanks for reading <3 if you struggle with your internal dialogue <3 be kind to your mind, and if you can’t be kind to your own-go be extra nice to someone else :)